NOBZ

      by Jeffrey Arp

      Here'z my take on Orks as COPS:

      (play, fade out music)

      announcer: NOBZ iz filmed on lokashun by da Bosses an' Nobz uv da Greenskin Pohleese Department. All suspects are guilty until proven ded.

      Scene 1: officer's Gorblitz and Gargrazz in police trukk.

      RADIO-BITZ: "krrrr...fore lotz wun, fore lotz wun, we 'ave a publik disturbanse at der avenue-bitz uv Ghazghkull an' Snakebite. I repeet, we 'ave a publik disturbanse at der avenue-bitz uv Ghazghkull an' Snakebite."

      OFF. GORBLITZ: "Oi, so we'z gonna chekk dis disturbance fing out. Not surprized, kunsiderin' wot part uv da Skrap we'z in. Deeze Orks 'ere, deyz pretty runty so deyz don't get der jobz in da Waaghz az dey leeve off-planet, so dey turn to krime an' scrabble to pass der time-bitz. Sum join yoof-gangz, or dat subversive Grot Soshulist Gang."

      OFF. GARGRAZZ: "It'z a damn shame."

      Scene 2: Gorblitz an' Gargrazz stepping out of police trukk an' approaching fellow Nobz.

      OFF. GARGRAZZ: "So wot seemz ter be da problum 'ere?"

      ANON. NOB: "Oi, well, dis Ork ova 'ere iz tryin' to organize a "yoonyun" so dat 'e an' 'iz mates kan keep der clan allegiances."

      OFF. GORBLITZ: "So 'ave yer krakked sum 'eadz to show dem hooz boss?"

      ANON. NOB: "er..no, we wuz waitin' fer-"

      OFF. GARGRAZZ: "Wot?!! Wot were ya waitin' fer? Git rookeez, 'ere'z how it'z dun."

      (Gorblitz and Gargrazz proceed to beat forty-two Orks, twenty-eight of which are innocent bystanders, four of which are other Nobz)

      OFF. GORBLITZ: "Oi, now dats how yer keep der law an' order! Anybody else wanna go against da law?"

      (bystanders and protestors alike slink back, avoiding eye contact with the Nobz.)

      OFF. GARGRAZZ: "Now maybe yoo ken start doin' da 'ead-krakkin' yerself, stoopid git rooky."

      ANON. NOB: "er...um...wot about da tv-bitz? Won't da udder Orksez get upset at yer clubbin' dem protestors down?"

      OFF. GORBLITZ: "Oi, why wood dey get upset? We'z Orks, wot else yer ekspect from us?"

      scene 3: back in police trukk

      OFF. GORBLITZ: "It'z sad how der yoof tooday don't know 'ow ta treat dere fellow Orks."

      OFF. GARGRAZZ: "Oi, yoosed to be dat ya smakked der kopf an' took der shoota. Nowadayz all dey wanna do iz "live in koooperashun" an' "band togevva". I tell yer, Gorblitz, dengz iz goin' down'ill."

      OFF. GORBLITZ: "Oi, yer got dat rite, Gargrazz. Speakin' uv which, look at dat battlewagon over dere. It'z gotta be doin' less den 'alf uv da miniminiminimimum speed limmit. Dink we shood lite 'em up?"

      OFF. GARGRAZZ: "Oi, letz do it!"

      (police trukk sirens begin blaring. Battlewagon pulls over to kurb. Suspects' vehicle iz a early 80's Ford T-Ork, with custom paintjob an' chrome-plated chrome. Gorblitz and Gargrazz get out and walk to battlewagon. Gorblitz taps the window with his choppa. The window fails its armour save and shatters.)

      OFF. GORBLITZ: "Oi, so wot yer guyz doin' drivin' so slowly?"

      ANON. DRIVER: "Yo se oi llamo muchas canseco te aguiar eadbanga en la porchantos trakta git y evil sunz en la mancha derego."

      OFF. GORBLITZ: "Oi?"

      ANON. DRIVER: "Me quiero libra razza in selar stormboyz campenero y gracias hydralics y muchacho easyrider bitz."

      OFF. GORBLITZ: "Oi, yooze speak Orklish?"

      ANON. DRIVER: "No si, no si, singularo el Hermano-dreg hablos la Orklish, si?"

      OFF. GORBLITZ: "uh-huh. So do yooze 'ave any proof uv hit'n'runz or sumpfin' else proovin' yer da riteful driva uv dis 'ere vehicle?"

      ANON. DRIVER: "I la tengo de waa ur ug Thraka y bark la comancha del piazza. Si? Y racias dreg el torbino en la town de la angeles. La battlewagon is de me cousino from Riverside. Nosotros habitar en la East Los y drive por la acquisitar de la gas y visito Salma Hayek."

      OFF. GORBLITZ: "Oi, Gargrazz. Shood we lite 'em up?"

      OFF. GARGRAZZ: "Oi."

      (sounds of safeties being released and slugs chambered)

      ANON. PASSENGER: "Meesa people gonna die?"

      (gunfire. cue music.)

      RADIO-BITZ: "krrr...yung 'ooman spotted in der Yoof District. Answerz to "Anarkin". All yoonitz respond..."

      (play music).

      End.

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