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Dogtown Div Leadership
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With Vincent Muscatelli, Dan “Ride ‘em Cowboy” Cooley, Helmut Krankenhose, and Pickbot 3000 (v2.4)
Hello again folks. Vinny here with the roundtable picks. Gentleman Jim is still on some spa vacation so Helmut and Dan Cooley are back. Last week we went 2 for 2 on picks but our spreads got blown. At first I thought it was because of the amazing defenses being put up by these squads but now I know it was that damn robot. So I had my little nephew take a look at Pickbot, turns out the damn thing isn’t even a real Pickbot. It’s got Japanese casing but the insides are all Eastern European. I’m gonna have a talk with Ivan about this one. But the kid fixed it and we’re good to go.
Game one: Ace of Base at Greenohrrea
Vinny: This is a tricky one. Greenohrrea has played two games and lost both of them. Their pitching is strong and their fielding isn’t all that bad either. Their main problem is all their flash. They should just play the game instead of trying to volley fly balls to the infield and dance around at the plate. It’s sloppy and it’s showy and I don’t like it. I say Ace of Base is gonna win. ACE OF BASE
Helmut: Greenohrrea? Mein Urin brennt an diesen Namen gerade denken. Er erinnert mich an einen sympatischen Belgier, den ich im Ardennes traf. Sie begrüßte aus einem Grund und dieser Grund war syphillis. Er verärgert mich, an ihr jetzt zu denken und Greenohrrea läßt mich an sie mit ihrem Tanzen und Singen denken. Ich hasse sie! Ich beschließe As der Unterseite, um zu gewinnen. ACE OF BASE
Dan: Oh lord Vinny, can’t you let me go before Hellmat here? The guy is talking French or something and I just don’t get it, did he pick Ace of Base? You two are morons. Greenohrrea may have lost but they got spunk, their full of piss and vinegar. Plus they’ve been beat twice and know what they need to correct. GREENOHRREA
Pickbot 3000 v2.4: Good Morning processing your pick request now…. FINAL SPREAD: ACE OF BASE -2
Game Two: Tang at Pregnant Cheerleaders
Vinny: This is the one we’ve all been waiting for, the last two undefeated teams. Tang can play the game but the Cheerleaders know how to get out of situations. Both teams have spirit and the Cheerleaders are coming off of two wins. But I think I’m going with Tang on this one. TANG
Helmut: Die schwangeren Cheerleadern sind eine prachtvolle Mannschaft. Das Hören von letzten Wochen Sieg bildete mich wieder sehr stolz. Das königliche Aroma ihrer purpurroten Hemden und der Weise, die sie mit solchem Stolz sich halten, läßt sie zutreffende Krieger auf dem kickball auffangen. Schwangere Cheerleadern über allen!!! PREGNANT CHEERLEADERS
Dan: Whewee that boy sure does get worked up. Is he gonna pay to clean the spit off my bolla? Listen you know I think Sattler is the coyotes howl right? In fact all those Cheerleaders make me hoop and holler like a drunken ranch hand but I’m not sure they’ve got the gumption to win this one. Tang is a rested team and they want to beat up on Sattler and his boys like you’d pistol-whip a Kansan. So I think Tang is gonna win. TANG
Pickbot 3000 v2.4: I’m happy to be of assistance processing request……… FINAL SPREAD: TANG -1
Email questions to firstname.lastname@example.org
We apologize in advance for Miss Fluffy Tail. She’s a little put off that the Dogtown division is not paying her as much attention as she feels she’s worth. She’s also been peeing in inappropriate places, so if you all wouldn’t mind, please (PLEASE!) send her questions and soothe her inflated sense of self. Our budget can’t handle the carpet cleaning bills.
Dear Fluffy Tail,
All the best,
As I see it, each team DOES have too many players (20+), and what's even more odd is that everyone actually seems to be showing up, unlike the Hollywood division which was notorious for forfeitures due to what they call "girl trouble". And speaking of, Dogtown has more female ball busters than you'd find at Dollar Drink Night at the Palms in West Hollywood! But back to your question. Yeah, if you're not at the top of the roster...sucks to be you. I recommend what we in the extermination field call "hobbling".
Folks, McWhiney's question reminds me of a conversation that I had with a hairball I coughed up this morning: THE MONKERY IN HOLLYWOOD SEES MORE ACTION THAN THIS LEAGUE! Honestly, where are the grand slams, the dirt-in-the-skirt slides into second or even the expletive packed-bench-clearing-in-your-face-arguments with the refs? I believe the highest score a team has had so far is 2. And I've seen longer innings in my litter box. The line-ups are so packed that no one really has a chance to get any flow going. And y'all are just too damn nice. This league doesn't have the token "A**hole Team" for us all to channel our anger at. Even the homeless are bored!
So this week I want everyone to use the F-word. A lot. I want to see some bad sportsmanship, hair pulling, spitting and ump hassling. It would be a real treat to see some blood letting as well. And I'm having some of the more rowdy street people brought in from the boardwalk.
Finally, something to look forward to on game night.
Last Week’s Recaps
Week two saw another couple of hard fought games. Thanks to captains and team members for the following recaps. Check back here each week to find out what your opponents are saying about you. And hey, if you donít like what you see, feel free to send us your own version here.
Game One: Westside Whackers 1, Ace of Base 0. Whackers win but canít beat the spread.
Head Whacker Carey Melton writes:
Ace of Base chiefs Molly and Jacobo write:
Game Two: Pregnant Cheerleaders 2, Greenorrhea 1. Cheerleaders win but THEY can’t beat the spread either.
Cheerleader “Big Poppa” Pat Sattler writes:
Greenorrhea’s Molly Weber writes:
(Ed. Note: Sorry Greenorrhea, we had to edit for space. In her full recap, Molly gave kudos to each and every one of you.)
Presented by your friendly neighborhood Rules Committee.
Back in the days when Howard Cosell ruled the airwaves, and people could actually identify Steve Sax in a crowd, televised sports did not entertain avid sports fans with commercials involving big trucks, breasts and/or monkeys, but rather with a little segment called “You Make the Call.” In a YMTC segment, a bizarre play would be shown with appropriate commentary followed by a commercial. After the commercial, the viewer, after much debate with his/her friends saw the correct call.
Our division would like to bring back YMTC. However, in order to avoid any trademark issues, Dogtown has renamed and re-styled “You Make the Call.” First, Dogtown will not have the benefit of film. Second, Dogtown’s version will be called You Make the Decision. Which is shortened from the original title "You Make the Decision Because You Are the Head Umpire in Charge and Have Final Say in the Matter No Matter What Names the Team Captain Calls You". Which apparently was a little awkward to say.
Here are the rules for YMTD: read the fact pattern below. Use your imagination. Picture all the players in tutus if that helps. Diagram it if you must. If you know what the correct decision is, e-mail Carey Melton with the subject line “You Make the Decision” (or something like that). Your answer should be longer than one or two words. Let us know why you made that particular decision. Then again, don’t send us a treatise on WAKA rules either. That would suck. If you are the first person to e-mail Carey the correct decision and argument, Dogtown Division will buy you a pitcher of beer after the next game. You don’t even have to share the pitcher with anyone else (except, of course, the Rules Committee who buttered your bread). Now, with that being said, let’s get on with it:
The Pregnant Cheerleader’s Captain Pat Sattler is sweating it out with a two out, 3-2-3 count against Marauding Matt Levin from Tang. The Pregos are ahead 4-3 in the bottom of the fifth inning. Pat throws one of his heaters, and Matt kicks at it. Matt catches the ball off of the side of his foot. The ball bounces just outside of fair territory before first base, but given the spin of the ball, bounces back into fair territory. The ball is quickly scooped up in front of first base by the Pregos’ first baseman, Amy Currans. Given Matt’s speed, he runs past the first baseman before the first baseman is able to do anything. In the meantime, Tang’s runner on third safely crosses home.
The runner on second runs to third. Amy, thinking her name is “Larry”, and thus having inflated confidence in her arm, attempts to throw the ball to third, whereby the third base runner then runs home. The ball is then returned to the pitcher. As home base umpire, what is the correct call?
YOU MAKE THE DECISION!
Pat Sattler's Rules of Umping. . .
By Pat Sattler
1. Make the call. Stand by your call. Your call rules the world!! If you waver at any point, then people get pissed and there is room for argument.
2. If you aren't fully sure on all the rules, umpire first base. The more experienced person should always take home. The home plate ump makes all final judgments, and you can lean on him/her for help. There also should be rules committee people at all games. If you have a question, the umps may, but are not required, to confer with a committee member. [This season, the Rules Committee is comprised of Carey Melton, Steve Ebersole, and Pat Sattler. –Eds.]
3. You don't talk about Fight Club.
4. Regardless of who is playing (friends, family, chick and/or dude you want to drink with at the bar later), call the game as you see it. The other team will eat up any form of favoritism and they will ride you the whole game. Getting ridden, while fun in certain situations, is no good in a kickball game.
5. This one relates back to rule #1, but if you are going to call the captains and other umpire together to discuss the call, only allow the captains and co-captains to be in on the discussion. That’s why that part is in the rules at the beginning of the game. When you have 8 people from both teams screaming in your ear, it puts undue pressure on you, and you can't calmly discuss anything. Again, see rule #1, stand by whatever call you make like it's the 11th commandment.
6. Stay calm with everybody. They are in the heat of the game and will be screaming. Once everyone gets yelling back and forth, people from Lebowski get ejected.
7. Don't be the tough guy/girl. You are NOT the reincarnation of an umpire warlord who ruled parts of China in the Fifth Century. NOBODY likes the tough guy umpire. I’m a nice ump. Even if I blow a call (I know, this is a rare occurrence!), people still drink with me at the bar after the game because they know I don’t have any agenda besides hitting on the women from their team.
8. This is the toughest one, but read through all the rules AT LEAST once. I’ve done it two or three times total. Just having a better general knowledge of the rules can’t hurt whether you are umping or playing.
These are the basics that will not get you killed. One other thing just worth mentioning:
9. I know there are a couple calls each season where people look to me, as captain, to argue and/or go crazy over during a game. Unless someone from the other team does something to put any of us in harm’s way, I'm not going to jump and scream. Umps hate that. I’ll just call for time and have a quick discussion. I also am more willing to let things slide in the first couple innings when the Umpire Warlord from the Fifth Century is umping. If you ride a tough guy ump early in the game, you aren't going to get the calls later in the game.
Pat Sattler is the Captain of the Pregnant Cheerleaders. When not captaining his kickball team, Pat runs a clinic called "The Art of Man-Bunting for Women". Pat is also the author of the best seller "Pat Sattler Has My Balls!"
Mid Season Party / Charity Event
Save the date – We’re looking at Thursday, September 8 for our inaugural Mid-Season Party. In an effort to be more efficient (and go a little easy on the division budget), the Mid-Season will be combined with the Dogtown Summer Charity event. You want details? We got ‘em. But we can’t give them to you yet, as negotiations are still underway. We can tell you this: it will involve beer, food, karaoke, and the opportunity to bring as much embarrassment to your teammates and division rivals off the field as you normally do when you’re ON the field. Keep an eye on this space – we’ll be breaking more details as they become available.
The Hunt Is Still On For A Division Bar. . .
Well, the early select didn't pan out. Division leadership is still hunting for that perfect division bar. The thing that helps us the most, however, is a uniform front arriving at the bar's doorstep on Thursday night. So until a bar signs on, our standard operating procedure from here on out is to name a place and we'll all meet there after the games on Thursday. This week's unwitting host is Yankee Doodle's on 3rd St Promenade @ Santa Monica Blvd. It's a large place with pool tables and good eats. It'll almost be like already having a drink special in place, too! Their Thursday special is 2 for 1 pints!
So support our division bar efforts and head for Yankee Doodles! There's ample parking in the area in any of the garages for $3 and coffee and shopping is close at hand. T-shirts will be on the field this week, so be sure to put them on before heading into the bar so they know when you pay your tab that that dollar amount will be coming from a WAKA kickballer every Thursday night!
See you there!
Next Game Night: Aug 11th, 2005 @ 7:30pm
Oakwood Recreation Center - Diamond 1
bar location is still TBD
We're still looking for potential division bar locations. Factors to consider are: distance from field, size, not too crowded on game night, quality and variety of foodstuffs, friendliness to WAKA and willingness to offer good specials & discounts. If you have a place in mind, contact us!
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